There’s a wedding soon. I have a hundred things about the wedding on my mind at any given moment. I’m constantly day dreaming about what my marriage to this man will be like. I’m always wishing I had more time with him. I’m practically begging God every other hour to give me grace because I fail so miserably in the in betweens.
My life is chaotic.
But it is so incredibly beautiful. Every day this year (since ya know, we’re in 2015 now), God has given me a pretty big reason to feel completely captivated by His goodness. Whether it’s meeting the perfect co-worker at the perfect time, or getting to savor each and every moment with my almost husband, or just having really good coffee, I am constantly being reminded of the Giver of all good gifts.
One of those gifts came a few weeks ago as I cuddled on the couch with Kevin and watched a movie with him. He made this AMAZING spaghetti for dinner (have I mentioned how nice it is to have a man who can cook?) and suddenly I remembered falling in love with him.
When we lived in Wichita our lives were so different. I remember getting to know him in very intimate conversations that lasted for hours, or touching his scruffy beard for the first time. He used to put his head in my lap and let me contort his face any way I wanted. He got to know my heart, and he saw this vulnerable, deeply restored side of me.
I could almost see it all as I just got to sit with him. It sort of blew my mind that all of that unfolded only a few short months ago, but now I know him better than anyone else does, and the same is true for him.
In the same way, I am completely blown away that so much can change in a year or two. God has restored so many wounds in me, and He continues to do that every single day. And for what? I am but only a beggar – a sinful, miserable beggar in need of one drop of mercy from my Creator. I haven’t earned one bit of His mercy or grace. I don’t deserve anything but punishment for my sin. But He loves me so much anyway.
These thoughts overwhelm me.
So do the thoughts of unworthiness, inadequacy, and guilt. As of late, I have been one big ball of emotion, ready to explode at any given moment. I have way too many selfish moments, and way too many self-pity ridden moments. I have constant battles with myself and what I know to be true. And I don’t make it easy for anyone around me to love me through it.
The only thing that can pull me out of those times is the love and mercy of my Jesus. I don’t know how many times in the past 6 months I’ve had to cry out to Him for some kind of strength to make it through the moment. I don’t deserve anything He gives, but He gives it fully anyway.
This season of my life is busy, emotional, and crazy. It’s also exciting, fun, and beautiful. I am overwhelmed, but I am also completely in awe of a God Whose mercies are new every morning. And thank goodness, because today I needed a whole lot more.
captivatedsam 